The father wound

By Alfred C.W. Davis

We all come into the world helpless, dependent and needing acceptance, to be treated as worthy, and to be blessed. The father wound is the absence of this love from your birth father. The wound can be caused by:
neglect -- I am unimportant;
absence -- divorce, separation, death;
abuse -- mental, physical, sexual, spiritual;
control -- domineering;
lack of blessings -- at various stages of life; and
lack of affirmation -- that leads to a lack of self-acceptance.

The effect of a father wound is low self-esteem, a deep emotional pain inside and a performance orientation that makes us 'doers' rather than 'beings.' While salvation makes us new creations in Christ, it does not necessarily address this wound inside. We tend to have four barriers that inhibit the healing of this wound:
Pride -- no will to confront or change -- "I'm alright"
Sin -- no will to confess or receive forgiveness
The wound itself -- emotional hurt inside
Lies -- misconceptions about self, birth father and Father God
Instead of going to the pain and receiving the healing that we need, we tend to respond to life events by creating a misconception about our "Self".

Relationship to Our Birth Father
When we hold a conception of our birth father as angry, violent, uncaring, indifferent, distant/withdrawn, absent/abandoning, alcoholic, condemning and/or critical, we tend to believe the following words about ourselves: I'm unworthy, stupid, incompetent, unloved or unlovable. As long as we accept these words as truth, we will experience depressed, anxious and angry lives.

Relationship to God the Father
Often a person's image of God the Father is contaminated by the personal experience he or she has with the birth father. When there is a misconception that God is: watching, judging, angry, unhappy with my sin, fearsome, legalistic, and a discipliner; the words that we tend to believe are: 'I am not good enough,' 'I am guilty/shameful' 'I must work harder to justify myself.' As long as we accept these words as truth, we will seek to perform and prove our worth through perfectionism and materialism, or seek addictions to cover the pain.

Addressing the Father Wound
There are three steps to addressing the father wound:
* understand the heart of God
* invite Jesus into the wounds created by the birth father
* accept the truth about one's self as a child of God

1) The Heart of God
* as seen in the prodigal son*
- we are free to choose our own path
- the Father waits patiently for us to return to him
- when we return, he accepts us unconditionally
- he runs to accept and embrace us
- he values us by celebrating

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*God's provision for salvation*
- he loves us first
- we are his beloved creation
- he offers salvation for our sin
- he wants a relationship with us

*Jesus as the wounded healer:*
- he was tempted by Satan to know our temptations
- he experienced suffering to know our suffering
- he was rejected, mocked, beaten and crucified
- he fully understands our pain and wants to help
- 1 Peter 2:24 "By his wounds you have been healed"

*Jesus heals*
- when invited into memories, he comes
- when he comes into memories, my clients describe him as: gentle, kind, caring, loving, warm, friendly, hugging, accepting and healing.

When you understand his love, confess to Him the misconception you have had, receive His forgiveness and His love.

2) Invite Jesus into the wounds created by your birth father
*Do inner healing for the memories*
- invite Jesus into the specific memories
- understand the words that you accepted at the time
- ask Jesus to reveal his truth to you.
- receive His truth about who you are

*Choose to forgive your Birth Father*
- for hurtful words
- for hurtful actions
- for not loving you
- for not blessing you
- for affecting your image of God the Father

*Accept Yourself as a Child of God*
Receive the words of truth:
- I am accepted
- I am chosen
- I am loved
- I am God's creation
- I am precious in His sight
- I am forgiven
- I have been redeemed
- I will never be left or forsaken
- I have an eternal inheritance
- Nothing can separate me from the love of God

As you understand the truth about God's love and know your True Self In Christ, it frees you to let go of the pain and forgive your birth father. The new perspective that is created enables you to see your birth father through different eyes and allows you to live in freedom.